Julian LeMont

“Las personas que buscan el placer, nunca lo encontrarán, porque el placer tiende a acumular sus exigencias a cada paso, y los que lo buscan acaban doblemente desdichados”

“Those seeking pleasure will never find it, as pleasure tends to become more demanding with every step, and those who always seek it will wind up twice as unfulfilled”

These insights from Catalan author TERENCI MOIX, taken from his masterpiece “No Digas Que Fue Un SueÑo” (“Don’t tell me it was just a dream”, not quoted literally), have kept me company throughout my sexually active life. And time and again, I had to remind myself of their truth, live by their value, challenge them and test for myself the very limits of pleasure. The following articles will be an account of several of such transcendent experiences, whereby pleasure was sought, found and taken to extremes that may be thrilling, destructive to some, but certainly counterproductive to the pleasure principle itself.

Berlin’s thriving gay sex culture may be seen as a case in point. For years, I have felt vastly atttracted by Berlin’s extensive and unique gay and lesbian community, among the largest and most visible in Western Europe. With openly gay Lord Mayor Klaus Wowereit going down in history when he took office with the words “I am gay, and it is good that way”, annual gay & lesbian street festivals and a week later Christopher Street parades attracting crowds in the hundreds of thousands, it seems there is hardly a more liberal, tolerant and accepting place in Europe. Yet such tolerance comes with a price tag, as locals seem increasingly jaded about the excess surrounding them. “Do whatever you like, I don’t care, as long as you leave me alone” seems to have become a dominant theme for most Berliners today. This lack of interest then lets those spiral out of control that may show signs of compulsive behavior or personality weakness, including the high number of those gay Berliners getting increasingly caught up in the German capital’s rampant sex circuit.

And sexual outlets abound in Berlin – the easiest proof is to open the city’s free monthy gay magazine SIEGESSÄULE ( online edition at: http://www.siegessaeule.de ) and check any given day of the week. In the LGBT program guide, often under the category “TRIEBE” (“urges”) numerous sex parties may be found catering to all kinks, fetishes and interests, from naked sex dance events, to fisting orgies and HIV positive barebacking parties, to Leather gatherings and S&M events. Any sexual likes are catered to in Berlin, and apart from the dangers of STDs, the real danger is the psychological impact such sex circuits may have on individuals with even the slightest weakness towards sexual compulsion. And if we add to the scenario Berlin’s never-ending economic debacle, with “poor but sexy” as yet another one of Klaus Wowereit’s memorable Berlin slogans, we wind up with a dangerous mix of unemployed gay Berlin boys spending their entire day online or out and about seeking the ultimate sexual thrill.

I too was fascinated by Berlin’s huge gay sex circuit and decided to give it a try and to attend a private naked sex party, allegedly better organized and attended by “hot healthy young studs”, since it was advertised by one of the leading gay portals “www.sixpackparty.de”. The event was to be held at a private appartment in Schöneberg, and I was so nervous, almost as if I had just come out and were heading to my first gay bar. When I arrived, there were about 25 guys there already, about 15 of them new and unknown to each other, nervously standing around the kitchen and unsure about what to expect next. The remaining 10 knew each other well, including the host himself and his partner, who had converted their 3 room apartment into a sex den for the night. The huge spacious living room was adorned with 20 mattresses and jars full of condoms and lube. The only drawback was that of the 25 guys, only 2 or 3 seemed appealing to me. And as I was totally unsure about how to proceed, I too stood around the kitchen sipping on my drink and nervously awaiting the next stage.

Then the 10 buddies made the first move and said from that moment on, it was prohibited to wear clothes, even underwear, as they undressed and moved right over to the living room mattresses to start fooling around. I was so surprised, I could hardly keep up ripping my clothes off and was among the last guys to strip naked. Since I hardly fancied anyone there, I also found it hard to get aroused by the scenario and tried to focus on the 2-3 hot guys I liked. Fortunately the liking was mutual and I was able to start kissing and fondling 2 of them, with one then being taken over by 4 other not so attractive guys. I was able to hold on to him for a while, but increasingly the confusing mix of hands and feet and cocks and tongues got to me and I came up with a migraine from hell. On top of everything, the persistent smell of poppers filled the thick air in the living room, and that stuff has always given me the worst headaches. So I found myself on the margins of the room, without access to my 2 hot studs and with a nasty migraine, when I decided to leave and get food. I was sent off with the words by our gracious host: “Too bad you are leaving – would have loved to fuck your hot ass – get food and come back!” This scene grossed me out so much, I have never bothered to attend another “sixpackparty” event.

On two other occasions, however, I also decided to go to naked sex events, all posted or advertised in Berlin’s SIEGESSÄULE magazine. The experience was similar, with guys already familiar with each other taking center-stage, and others on the sidelines, with the ugly, odd, quirky and different being left sexually unfulfilled and with the promise of pleasure in ruins. So marginalization and ostracization occur even in Berlin’s tolerant and excessive gay sex circuit. The same holds true to the sex bars and clubs, to which I went once or twice out of curiosity. At the door, clothes must be put into plastic bags and club entry is reserved for those in the buff only. There the same scenario unfolds, and with an exhibitionist touch – the few hot ones are taken over by everyone present and find it hard to focus on a particular guy. So even goodlooking guys like myself tend to wind up frustrated and with a nagging feeling of longing and unfulfilled desire for being slightly introverted, reserved and more at ease with personally enriching 1-on-1 encounters. So increasingly burn-out and jadedness take over making the quest for pleasure a sad, compulsive and ultimately unfulfilling endeavor.

Fortunately, I found my limits of pleasure just in time, before getting sucked up by even greater kinks, fetishes and excessive sex adventures. And once again, it is personal encounters that made all the difference and gave meaning and yes, pleasure, to each sexual experience – so whenever I head back to Berlin, I fondly recall my hot Cuban stud I had met in the Tiergarten and had great outdoor sex with, or the shy East German boy I wound up in bed with on a lonely New Year’s Eve. Or Mehmet, the Turkish Hunk from Kreuzberg, with whom I had spent several nights in a row with such fiery passion I could barely walk for a week. So true pleasure has a name, while the limits of pleasure have none.